Thank you TØP

Let's start off 5 years ago.. I was a goodie little senior in high school, I hated everything on the radio so I would listen to the alt channel.. Twenty One Pilots "House of Gold" would come on.. I remember singing it to my mom.. then "Car Radio." I began to listen to their music and let their lyrics take hold of my entire soul. I even got someone that said they hated them to start listening to them. That year was the beginning of my depression... I had my heart broken, I was going to college where I didn't want to go, and I was lost.

Two weeks before college began, my uncle passed away. This was the first loss in my life that I didn't know how to handle. I share very fond memories of him and to this day he's a hero to me. Going into college was the hardest transition yet. I made friends easily, but in the end I felt like I was in a crowded room screaming and no one could hear..

Countless times I felt myself go into a dark hole. I found myself drinking a lot. I remember loving who I became when I 'm drunk, I was so much happier than I was in real life. To this day, I find myself trying to drink to become a happier me when I'm in a pit but I end up losing all sight of who I am.

The beginning of college, I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't know who I was.

Sleeping has always been an issue of mine.. it didn't help that my migraines were becoming more frequent in both pain and time. I would sleep the days away and not go to sleep at night. I would watch shows and listen to music. I related to "Migraine" so much because of he messaged that it held. I was spiraling a lot.

My finals week of freshman year, Twenty One Pilots released Heavydirtysoul. I listened to it night and day. I think I have to thank that album for me passing my finals because I sang all the songs while I studied and while taking the exam.

The following year I went back to school, away from home. But it was a familiar place with familiar faces, even one from home. I made new friends as well and all seemed fine. Then I spiraled again.. I was losing the people closest to me, I wouldn't say I went through heart break but I went through s lot of rejections that year, I didn't handle that well. My best friend Jimmy would take me for long rides and we'd sing at the top of our lungs.. haha we even had the rap to "Holding On To You" down. I can thank this boy enough for being there for me when I needed someone the most. I took advantage of that and now we don't talk, it sucks.

During this school year I learned that TØP was coming to Buffalo.. my mom bought me tickets and I went with my best friends and I can honestly say it was the best concert I've ever been to. This band speaks to each of their fans as if they know exactly what we're going through

My junior year I went back, I decided last minute I would go again, no one really knows that... I decided a week before school started that I was going back.. the following three weeks were hard on me.. I  had lost one of my best friends from high school and so much more...

The following I've never admitted.. I was at my all time low in life. I wasn't sleeping and I could feel me slipping... the night before I decided to leave school. I was drunk and in hysterics called home, I admitted for the first time outloud how I felt about myself.. writing this is hard but I didn't want to be here anymore, I remember repeating over and over again on the phone to my grandparents. The next morning I decided for me that I was going home. On my ride home, I listened to Twenty One Pilots trying to breathe.. I remember this being the easiest ride home for me.

For the past five years I've want to get a Twenty One Pilots tattoo.. but I could never decide on what.. at their concert, I gave myself three options from listening to them.

In June I took the jump and decided to get a tattoo that represents what this band means to me.. without them along with my strong support system, I wouldn’t be here today

I decided to go with this specific tattoo for so many reasons.. but in the end, the lyrics after these are “stay alive, stay alive for me.”

This is a constant reminder that whenever I don’t feel good enough, whenever I’m looking down upon myself both mentally and physically, then I see everything I’ve gone through in order to make it to this certain point in my life..

Not everything is rainbows and sunshine right now. But it’s improving every day and one day I’ll be able to leave everything in the past and move forward.

*i typed this from my phone and it won’t let me add the picture of the tattoo but I’ll post it when I have a chance!!*