Me

I've been sitting back lately, watching all these people get excited for multiple steps in their lives. Graduation is less than 40 days away, practically a month.

I can't help but not get excited lately. Maybe that's a misstep in my life... I tend not to get excited for something in the future, in case it doesn't end up working out..

Within the past year I maybe worked myself up for one major occurrence and it fell through and broke me in a way... I figure, I never want to feel that way again.

I miss feeling excited for something. I miss the anticipation building up from within you.

If I'm being completely honest in these blogs, which I feel like I have been... In October of 2017, I reached my lowest point in life. I told everyone important in my life that I didn't want to be here anymore. I was on constant watch and it got better, I have gotten better.

Lately, with looking and seeing everyone's excitement of things like  graduation, a movie being released, etc. I'm nervous about feeling excitement towards any of these because if it doesn't happen, I don't want to feel the same way as before... Maybe I'm not making any sense or anything I don't know..

Sometimes I feel like I'm unworthy... unworthy of being cared about, unworthy of success, unworthy of looking at something and having the most stupid smile on my face for no reason..

Maybe it's just because of experiences from throughout my life.

I mean I know it'll get better... This funk is just a phase. But damn I can't wait for May.