Peace Begins With a Smile
It wasn't until I was watching an episode of America's Next Top Model, that I began to think about me growing up. Within this past week's episode there was talk about how everyone has a past and that's brought us to who we are today.
That really stuck with me. We all have a past and a lot of us don't really like to share it.
While I consider myself an open book, a lot has happened while I was growing up that I've bottled in. It wasn't until recently that I've told my closest friends what had happened while I was growing up and that took a lot from me.
Most of it is the memories that come back. There's flashbacks that I don't even enjoy seeing or sometimes the pain that was felt at the moment comes back.
I've done a lot to forget my past. I don't have a lot of memories of growing up. That says a lot to me.
I was back and forth between my parents households, every other weekend as from a court order. It wasn't until a huge breakthrough not only with my age but as well as through my dad that I stopped returning to his house. That was when I was in sixth grade and I haven't seen him since.
It's taken a lot of time to refer to him as dad. I used to only call him by name and I don't think I will ever face him face-to-face again.
Hate is a strong word, I learned this from a math teacher in seventh grade. She wouldn't let us say we hated math. We could use "strongly dislike" but hate was out of the question. I did really well that year in school, which was new to me. I eventually did well for the rest of my education. It's been brought to the conclusion because I was able to focus on something that wasn't my father and his household.
The past is so hard on me. I think about I were my own child. It hurts to think about everything that I went through. All the hate, all the resentment, all the pain...
It's been brought to my attention throughout the past year or so that I "love myself." As much as I've denied it, I can't help but look at it from a far. Of course I love myself. As the great Rupaul says, "if you can't love yourself than how the hell are you gonna love anyone else." I personally can't help but look at myself growing up and see a girl that is so strong to be able to have gone through what she did and still be able to function through live.
Sure, I have my moments. We all do. We question our worth. We question ourselves. We question why us.
The reason I'm writing this blog is because this week has been an extreme learning point for me, focusing on myself and diving myself straight into my school work along with my actual work. I've been looking into what my future has to offer and I'm so excited to see what it brings.
Last week I was focused on the past. I focused on what about myself made me unhappy. When that's not the point. The point is to leave the past where it lies and to move forward.
Yes, my childhood wasn't the happiest. But yes, there were sometimes that I want to relive again.
This is where my positivity has been coming in lately. My past doesn't define who I am but it did make me who I am today.
At points I find myself that weak little girl again. But then I remember how much time has gone by and I remember that I'm almost 22 in a world that is changing and evolving every single day.
I'm happy. It's what I'm telling myself everyday. It's my wake up motivation. It's my "I'm at work and we're super busy and all I want to do is cry and sleep" motivation.
This past week I've sat down for at least an hour and done something that I love. It's been a huge peak. This week I was scheduled at work almost everyday. But, almost every time I've worked, I've hung up our donations and I can't help but be so proud of my employees for the amazing job they're doing.
Sometimes our past brings us down. Sometimes the fact that life isn't going our way, brings us down. But stop listening to those sometimes and live in the now. I've realized that everything that has happened in my life has happened for a reason.
Becoming a manager was one of the hardest transitions ever. But throughout these past two months I've grown so much not only in myself but the way I see things. I put my employees first and when they're having a bad day all I want to do is cheer them up. They make me proud every time I go into work. I don't even think with how many days I was scheduled this week that I thought about how much I didn't want to go in. Instead I was excited because of my employees.
I'm very content this week. I stuck to a routine and it helped out a lot more than just laying in my bed questioning everything. Which I allowed myself to do just once.
Next week is the beginning of a new month, it's closer to spring. Which means I need to get my butt moving and a little bit more prepared for May. But hey! I'm allowed to slack just a little beforehand.
I'm more motivated now than ever and to be completely honest. I wouldn't be able to do it without the amazing people in my life. 💕
That really stuck with me. We all have a past and a lot of us don't really like to share it.
While I consider myself an open book, a lot has happened while I was growing up that I've bottled in. It wasn't until recently that I've told my closest friends what had happened while I was growing up and that took a lot from me.
Most of it is the memories that come back. There's flashbacks that I don't even enjoy seeing or sometimes the pain that was felt at the moment comes back.
I've done a lot to forget my past. I don't have a lot of memories of growing up. That says a lot to me.
I was back and forth between my parents households, every other weekend as from a court order. It wasn't until a huge breakthrough not only with my age but as well as through my dad that I stopped returning to his house. That was when I was in sixth grade and I haven't seen him since.
It's taken a lot of time to refer to him as dad. I used to only call him by name and I don't think I will ever face him face-to-face again.
Hate is a strong word, I learned this from a math teacher in seventh grade. She wouldn't let us say we hated math. We could use "strongly dislike" but hate was out of the question. I did really well that year in school, which was new to me. I eventually did well for the rest of my education. It's been brought to the conclusion because I was able to focus on something that wasn't my father and his household.
The past is so hard on me. I think about I were my own child. It hurts to think about everything that I went through. All the hate, all the resentment, all the pain...
It's been brought to my attention throughout the past year or so that I "love myself." As much as I've denied it, I can't help but look at it from a far. Of course I love myself. As the great Rupaul says, "if you can't love yourself than how the hell are you gonna love anyone else." I personally can't help but look at myself growing up and see a girl that is so strong to be able to have gone through what she did and still be able to function through live.
Sure, I have my moments. We all do. We question our worth. We question ourselves. We question why us.
The reason I'm writing this blog is because this week has been an extreme learning point for me, focusing on myself and diving myself straight into my school work along with my actual work. I've been looking into what my future has to offer and I'm so excited to see what it brings.
Last week I was focused on the past. I focused on what about myself made me unhappy. When that's not the point. The point is to leave the past where it lies and to move forward.
Yes, my childhood wasn't the happiest. But yes, there were sometimes that I want to relive again.
This is where my positivity has been coming in lately. My past doesn't define who I am but it did make me who I am today.
At points I find myself that weak little girl again. But then I remember how much time has gone by and I remember that I'm almost 22 in a world that is changing and evolving every single day.
I'm happy. It's what I'm telling myself everyday. It's my wake up motivation. It's my "I'm at work and we're super busy and all I want to do is cry and sleep" motivation.
This past week I've sat down for at least an hour and done something that I love. It's been a huge peak. This week I was scheduled at work almost everyday. But, almost every time I've worked, I've hung up our donations and I can't help but be so proud of my employees for the amazing job they're doing.
Sometimes our past brings us down. Sometimes the fact that life isn't going our way, brings us down. But stop listening to those sometimes and live in the now. I've realized that everything that has happened in my life has happened for a reason.
Becoming a manager was one of the hardest transitions ever. But throughout these past two months I've grown so much not only in myself but the way I see things. I put my employees first and when they're having a bad day all I want to do is cheer them up. They make me proud every time I go into work. I don't even think with how many days I was scheduled this week that I thought about how much I didn't want to go in. Instead I was excited because of my employees.
I'm very content this week. I stuck to a routine and it helped out a lot more than just laying in my bed questioning everything. Which I allowed myself to do just once.
Next week is the beginning of a new month, it's closer to spring. Which means I need to get my butt moving and a little bit more prepared for May. But hey! I'm allowed to slack just a little beforehand.
I'm more motivated now than ever and to be completely honest. I wouldn't be able to do it without the amazing people in my life. 💕
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